The Best F*ing Meatballs You've Ever Made

Today, you get a recipe. This, my friends, ain't fiction. Make it. Share it. Bring it to a damn party. These meatballs will save your life someday, and if they don't, then these meatballs will save your soul.

Oh snap!

Ingredients

3 lbs. freshly ground beef. Or chuck. Your preferred hamburger meat. The specifics are irrelevant! You want mashed dead cow, and you want a LOT of it.

6 eggs. Sound like a lot? Well, you're either getting a week's worth of food or a raise out of this, so it's worth it.

8-10 slices of shitty, stale, crumbly bread. Again, this is, like, half a loaf, but it's shitty bread, so who cares? Get it off of the discount rack. If it's not quite stale or crumbly enough, first freeze it solid, then roll it between your hands until it disintegrates.

Parmesan cheese. It doesn't matter how much, as long as there's less than half as much parmesan cheese as there are bread crumbs. Use the stuff that comes in that giant salt shaker looking thing.

3 onions. Dice 'em!

6-9 cloves of garlic. Dice 'em! (Unless you have a garlic press, then just mash 'em to hell.)

1.5 tsp. salt

2 tsp. rosemary

2 tsp. basil

2 tsp. parsley

2 tsp. oregano

3 tsp cayenne pepper. Whoa! Surprise secret ingredient!

4.5 tbs. soy sauce. Double whoa! SUPER secret surprise ingredient!


Procedure

First, preheat your oven to 400 degrees fahrenheit. I cannot stress this enough: heat your oven to 400 degrees fahrenheit. Do not heat your oven to 400 degrees Kelvin. Do not heat your oven to 400 degrees celsius. Do not ask which one of you needs this disclaimer. You know who you are.

Next, mash. Mash, mash, mash. Mash your huge amount of mashed dead cow with the eggs, onions, garlic, salt, rosemary, basil, parsley, oregano, cayenne, and soy sauce. Once these are mashed together very thoroughly, put it aside and rinse off your hands, because now you're covered with delicious-smelling cow gore.

Next, combine the bread crumbs and parmesan cheese in a large tupperware container, seal the lid, and commence to shakin'. (Hint: shake a dance to the classic rock station on Pandora for most thorough results.) Alternately, you could just mix the stuff in a bowl with a spoon, getting it everywhere in the process, but I digress. However you have accomplished total integration of crumbs and cheese, you must now dump that integration into the mashed meat icky joyfulness that you recently rinsed off your hands.

Then you get to get your hands all gory AGAIN! (Isn't this an awesome recipe?) Mash that shitty bread crumb/cheese mix so thoroughly into the dead cow that you can't distinguish the crumbs from the meat.

Roll that cow/crumb/cheese/spice mash into balls about 2 inches thick.

Put them close together on a baking sheet, but try not to let them touch one another.

Put the sheet into the oven.

Wait 30 minutes, then open the oven and cut a meatball in half. If there's no pink or red inside, then you can take them out and eat them. However, because there are so damn many meatballs in this batch, odds are that they'll take a bit longer to cook through. If you've got pink, put the meatballs back into the oven for another 20 minutes. Repeat until there is no pink, or until the meatballs are at your desired level of done-ness.

Finally, eat those motherfuckers. Eat them by the bucket and by the barrel. Freeze them, refrigerate them, send them home with friends - just don't have meatball fights. That is a waste.

The beauty of this recipe is that you really can freeze the balls before or after you've cooked them. If you find yourself unable or unwilling to cook in the evening, just roll the balls, line a tupperware with wax paper, fill it with five or six of these little guys, and stuff it in the freezer. Cooking just a few will take only about half an hour. No McShame this week!

Additionally, meatballs go well with pretty much everything. You can cook a load of rice, steam up some broccoli, and top with a few freshly cooked meatballs in as much time as it takes to do your taxes.*

Happy eating.

*If you're not me. If you are me, please contact me about the location of last year's tax return. My number is in your phone under "me."

Act Now

Special thanks to Neil Stephenson for the idea of a verbal viral meme. Gee, that guy's smart! Go read Snow Crash!

Several hours after the Event, I was still reeling. A trenchcoated man sidled up to me as I sat, head in my hands, on a bench in the Commons.
"Hey, buddy," he muttered, "got a story! Got a story! Got a real good story, got sex with the Kardashians and about ten pounds of heroin, cheap!"
I tased him before he could give me a preview, glad, for the fourth time since the Event, that I'd bought the multi-charge model. A police officer barged forward as the sleazy guy twitched on the ground, whining pitifully.
"Good job, citizen!" cried the officer as he hogtied the perp. "Fifty days traffic-free! Download the app at doubleyoudoubleyoudoubleyoudot-"
I tasered him too, which emptied my last charge. So much for that avenue, I thought. I tossed the little plastic unit onto the ground, where it clattered for a couple bounces before falling to pieces. The sleazy guy was starting to come around enough to mutter, so I headed off to the flower garden to see if I could hide in the roses long enough to construct some sort of weapon. Maybe something heavy and blunt to hit them over the head.
On the way there, I ran into a pretty well-known local politician, a saxaphonist, and about seventeen college students, all relaying the joys of epornsworld.com. I called upon my tae kwon do training in ways that I had never dreamed necessary, pulling off some of the best kicks of my life while managing to keep my fingers firmly rooted in my ears. Believe it or not, despite all the weirdness, the only thing that really bugged me hard was that feeling - the sensation of my pinkies deep inside of my ear canals. I was so used to my hearing aides that I'd basically forgotten that my head wasn't sealed from my earlobes up. It felt kind of obscene. Luckily, it helped me focus on what was really important: blocking my hearing completely. As soon as I got to the garden, I packed dirt in my ears until I could hear nothing. No sooner had I done so than a slack-jawed, professorial woman in her fifties rounded the corner of the wall I was crouching behind. Her frizzled grey hair was in terrific disarray, festooned with broken flowers and twigs, and her clothing wasn't in much better shape. I could see her launch into her schpiel, whatever that was, but I just shrugged. "Sorry," I mouthed, feeling the noise in my teeth, "I never learned to read lips."
The professor kept on chattering, though, and after a few minutes, I realized that she wasn't going to stop. Oh, well. I turned around and went back the way I came, over the bridge and up the hill, where I hoped I might be able to assess the damage. After a few minutes, I realized that the professor was following me, still babbling moronically. In fact, she'd been joined by a homeless-looking man, vacant-eyed and scraggly, who seemed to be on a slower but steadier kick than she was. This, I considered, could be a problem. I led them in a few circles to see what they'd do, and all I got from it was yet another babbler, this one a four-year-old. Hm.
Suddenly, I took off at a dead sprint. I wasn't in the kind of shape that would let me keep it up for long, but I don't think it would have mattered. Running just attracted more attention. I accumulated six more followers, all babbling, all keeping pace.
Hm.
I'd come to the base of the big hill in the middle of the Common. I was winded; my lungs and chest felt tight. I dug my inhaler out of my jacket and took a long suck as I surveyed the situation. More babblers were gathering around me. They didn't get too close - maybe they were beginning to perceive me as a threat, I thought with dim hope - but they were well within earshot. I checked the dirt in my ears. To my relief, it was still very solid. It might be good for another hour before I had to reinforce it. But how would I do that?
Nevermind, I scolded myself. Don't think about it. First things first. I only had one plan, and it was pretty simple: climb the hill and assess. As I moved forward, the babbling crowd around me circulated away as though pushed by an invisible force field. Still panting, I ascended.
The memorial was eerily calm. The babblers stayed off of the cement landing that capped the hill, leaving me a clear line of sight over the entire park. I climbed as far as I could up the obelisk anyway, just to improve my vantage point that much more.
As far as the eye could see, the city smoked. Some buildings blazed openly, but I didn't notice anyone trying to deal with them. Cars were still running into one another, sometimes slamming back and forth repeatedly as their owners' ruined brains forgot how to drive. Most of the people I saw were aimless, meandering in a daze, mouthing fatal words from Craigslist and Netflix and Facebook. I didn't look too close. I was afraid I'd recognize a "buy now!" or a "I make seven hundred dollars a day" or a "see her tonight."
I also saw, with a sinking heart, that my own situation was hopeless. Dozens of babblers were swarming the hill, crowding the front liners closer to me by sheer collective weight. I estimated that I might still be able to wade through them, especially if I protected my self-made earplugs with my hands. That was when the worst happened, and my last hope died.
Now, I sit on the ground, Buddha-style, as the crowd presses close. I can hear a very distant murmur, but for the moment, I seem to be safe enough. The trick is to not open my eyes. I must not open my eyes.
So here I sit, blind and deaf, possibly the last human being in the world, possibly soon to be the last victim of this bizarre plague. This morning, I was a finance manager for a nonprofit. This morning, I came to the park to march in a Greenpeace rally. They had special tee-shirts for the marchers and enough signs for thousands of people. The new slogan was printed on everything. And though everything else has gone wrong today, that slogan succeeds with fatal efficiency. It's catchy and kind of infectious. It sticks with you. "Listen up!" it says from shirts, from signs, from mouths throughout the glassy-eyed crowd. Then, in smaller, quieter print, "Act now to save us all."

Alas, the Internets

Never underestimate the power of No Internet.

So in the past three weeks, my fetching girlfriend and I moved. Though generally a positive experience, this move led to an epic conflict with Verizon Wireless that came to a head at one final megalithic tectonic showdown with the Verizon Wireless loss manager, Mr. Haynes. (That's his name. He told me so.) To be brief: I won. (Sweet juicy victory!) To elaborate: we have no Internet access anymore. My fetching girlfriend, now in graduate school, is less than thrilled about this. I, too, am un-thrilled, as I have lost income as a result of being unable to write things for money on the Internet.

This has been a frontline lesson on the evils of the corporate maggots who maintain a desperate stranglehold on this nation's information access even as they live in fear that the great righteous boot of The People will one day descend upon their white, squishy bodies. (There should really be a Sesame Street episode.) But now that we have learned our lesson and appreciate how lucky we are to be vertebrates, Internet is coming back! We hope. Someday, it will arrive. Comcast says they sent it. They REALLY, REALLY SAY that they REALLY DID send it. REALLY, YOU GUYS.

Stay tuned.

Update: last night, my fetching girlfriend installed the Comcast modem that had arrived in the mail. She did this by following the instructions, a feat at which I had previously somewhat failed. Frankly, I'm not sure how I survived so long before meeting her. Anyway, Internets back! More posts soon.