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3 lbs. freshly ground beef. Or chuck. Your preferred hamburger meat. The specifics are irrelevant! You want mashed dead cow, and you want a LOT of it.
6 eggs. Sound like a lot? Well, you're either getting a week's worth of food or a raise out of this, so it's worth it.
8-10 slices of shitty, stale, crumbly bread. Again, this is, like, half a loaf, but it's shitty bread, so who cares? Get it off of the discount rack. If it's not quite stale or crumbly enough, first freeze it solid, then roll it between your hands until it disintegrates.
Parmesan cheese. It doesn't matter how much, as long as there's less than half as much parmesan cheese as there are bread crumbs. Use the stuff that comes in that giant salt shaker looking thing.
3 onions. Dice 'em!
6-9 cloves of garlic. Dice 'em! (Unless you have a garlic press, then just mash 'em to hell.)
1.5 tsp. salt
2 tsp. rosemary
2 tsp. basil
2 tsp. parsley
2 tsp. oregano
3 tsp cayenne pepper. Whoa! Surprise secret ingredient!
4.5 tbs. soy sauce. Double whoa! SUPER secret surprise ingredient!
Procedure
First, preheat your oven to 400 degrees fahrenheit. I cannot stress this enough: heat your oven to 400 degrees fahrenheit. Do not heat your oven to 400 degrees Kelvin. Do not heat your oven to 400 degrees celsius. Do not ask which one of you needs this disclaimer. You know who you are.
Next, mash. Mash, mash, mash. Mash your huge amount of mashed dead cow with the eggs, onions, garlic, salt, rosemary, basil, parsley, oregano, cayenne, and soy sauce. Once these are mashed together very thoroughly, put it aside and rinse off your hands, because now you're covered with delicious-smelling cow gore.
Next, combine the bread crumbs and parmesan cheese in a large tupperware container, seal the lid, and commence to shakin'. (Hint: shake a dance to the classic rock station on Pandora for most thorough results.) Alternately, you could just mix the stuff in a bowl with a spoon, getting it everywhere in the process, but I digress. However you have accomplished total integration of crumbs and cheese, you must now dump that integration into the mashed meat icky joyfulness that you recently rinsed off your hands.
Then you get to get your hands all gory AGAIN! (Isn't this an awesome recipe?) Mash that shitty bread crumb/cheese mix so thoroughly into the dead cow that you can't distinguish the crumbs from the meat.
Roll that cow/crumb/cheese/spice mash into balls about 2 inches thick.
Put them close together on a baking sheet, but try not to let them touch one another.
Put the sheet into the oven.
Wait 30 minutes, then open the oven and cut a meatball in half. If there's no pink or red inside, then you can take them out and eat them. However, because there are so damn many meatballs in this batch, odds are that they'll take a bit longer to cook through. If you've got pink, put the meatballs back into the oven for another 20 minutes. Repeat until there is no pink, or until the meatballs are at your desired level of done-ness.
Finally, eat those motherfuckers. Eat them by the bucket and by the barrel. Freeze them, refrigerate them, send them home with friends - just don't have meatball fights. That is a waste.
The beauty of this recipe is that you really can freeze the balls before or after you've cooked them. If you find yourself unable or unwilling to cook in the evening, just roll the balls, line a tupperware with wax paper, fill it with five or six of these little guys, and stuff it in the freezer. Cooking just a few will take only about half an hour. No McShame this week!
Additionally, meatballs go well with pretty much everything. You can cook a load of rice, steam up some broccoli, and top with a few freshly cooked meatballs in as much time as it takes to do your taxes.*
Happy eating.
*If you're not me. If you are me, please contact me about the location of last year's tax return. My number is in your phone under "me."
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